The squash world has been turned upside down as the majority of UK and European Leagues jointly announce that they will be switching to a US NSL-style format next season.
“So happy that the Europeans have seen sense and adopted the NSL format,” said US number one and NSL chief Timmy Brownell. “It’s been a great success since we launched it three weeks ago, and as the US players are all up to speed on the format, so it’s an ideal opportunity for us invade European to fulfil President Trump’s appeal to “make American squash great again”.
The traditional team format sees three, four or five players competing in individual ties with the team winning the most ties taking the victory – with some convoluted procedures in place to decide the winner in draws.
In the NSL format teams play a timed match with the team scoring the most points winning.
“There’s none of that shenanigans in NSL,” explained Timmy. “You score more points you win, and if you’re level as the buzzer goes there’s an Epic Fury deciding point where all hell breaks lose.”
The newly-formed Associated National Alliance of Leagues will oversee the implementation of the new format, allowing for regional variations in each country involved.
The standard format will be a one-hour match with unlimited substitutions and two two-minute ‘power plays‘ where only the team invoking the power play can score.
“The duration, substitutions and power-plays are all new,” explained Thomas Troedsson, chief of the new body. “We’re adamant that these elements should remain, but as a new organisation we’re short of funds so we’re open to local variations at a rate of 5,000 Euro per request and 10,000 Euro for any approved changes.”
Mick Todd, Chief Executive of the all-conquering Pontefract in the Yorkshire League welcomed the change. “Bar takings go way down when we have league matches that take four or five hours, so we’re all for it. We’ll be putting in a proposal that during Power Plays each of the away team has to buy and drink a pint.”
Cameron Malik, supremo of the Surrey League champions Horley was similarly enthusiastic. “It’s a great idea,” he said, “my only issue is that with a team full of Maliks I’ll have to use substitutions wisely or I’ll be spending match nights in the local Travel Lodge.”
Andy Whipp, North-West Counties leader, was also in favour. “As the biggest league in the Universe we’re more than happy to adopt a format that allows us to play twenty-eight team matches per night in some of our venues, beat that if you can.”
Joey Barrington, organiser of the England Squash Super Squash League said “Super, I love it, super format, super timing and I’m sure we’ll attract some super players to create some super teams playing in super venues.”
Peter Schmidl, organiser of the German Bundesliga finals was less enthusiastic. “Where are the Bratwurst sales going to come from ?” he asked. “The Bundesliga was designed to maximise sales of Bratwurst cooked in ROWE oil, but in this new format we simply won’t have time to cook them properly. I’m going to ask the association to include a Bratwurst break into matches.”
Daniel Lagewaard, producer of the SquashBites podcast covering the Dutch Eredivisie wasn’t keen. “How are we supposed to talk about upcoming matches for two hours when the matches themselves only last an hour ??? I’m going to ask the association to add a two hour pre-match warmup.”
Player reaction was mixed. “I’m delighted to be able to play in the same team as my little brother,” said Mohamed ElShorbagy, “but if I’m ever substituted for Marwan there will be trouble.” World number one Mostafa Asal has already committed to the format. “I love it,” he declared, “I’ll be able to play for all five teams I’ve signed for on the same night, giving the early ones an unassailable lead and jetting off to finish the final matches if needed.”
When the new format leagues kick off across the continent later in the year, pressure will inevitably come onto domestic, regional and international associations to come into line.
“It’s a mess at the moment,” concluded Brownell, “with a mixture of three, four and five player teams, different scoring, different tiebreak rules, different matches for men and women. We have an opportunity to standardise team squash worldwide and we should grab it with both hands.
“Who knows, maybe we could get it adopted as the format for the LA 2028 Olympics ???”
Further information on the new leagues will be published on the association’s new site www.lookatthedateyouidiot.com.
